Yesterdays of their lives - Claudio (iv)

An ex-colleague of Claudio's also worked on the local paper and alerted the Health and Safety Department of the council to Claudio's revolting practices in the kitchen with particular regard to how he dealt with diners who offended him. Under cover as a pastry chef, the Health and Safety Officer spent a few trial evenings in the kitchen. This is an excerpt from his report.

'Chef Claudio Diego Cardinale, proprietor of Beef Brasserie arrived in the kitchen shortly after the assistants had opened up and put out the evening's food and said to me, "We gon' have a little fun tonight, I looked at the reservations book and there's some fackin' preeeeeeeek here at half eight what I really, really hate. You wanna know why I hate him? I tell you why, that man, he don' like my Maraschino Mustard Sauce I put it on the Koi Carp he ate las' time."

'I said nothing and carried on rolling out Pampastry ("Pastry from the Pampas") for the evening's special, Smoked-Out Armadillo en Croute.

I then witnessed Cardinale sneeze over a meringue as he walked to the main stove. While he was cooking I noticed him on several occasions reach into the front of his trousers and scratch himself. "Aaah, you gotta sort out your prime Argentinian beef and two hairy veggies, innit," he said on each occasion.

It was later pointed out to him that the diner in question had arrived and ordered the special. "Ay Ruben, (he called me Ruben although I had been taken on under the name of Robin) you got that Pampastry all flat and everyfink innit, I got a special ingredient for my friend out there you wet yourself when you see this matey." Cardinale then, in full view, and ostentatiously, as if for my amusement, inserted his forefinger into his backside and wiped it on the pastry several times before adding the armadillo meat and baking it.'

This undercover eyewitness report was easily enough to have The Beef Brasserie closed down forthwith; the episode was written up in the 'Independent' under the headline 'The Faecal Finger of Fate'.